Sitting in the waitin area in the court house. Pretending to be busy on my phone to ease the anxiety. I need a distraction from him. Don’t look. Don’t look. They walk in and take a seat in the court room as I wait in the hallway for my support, aka my attorney. I’m currently feeling outnumbered. His enabling parents are both here to hold his hand. Don’t they know what he’s done? How can you look at me with those deadly glares knowing all you know about his actions during this marriage?
As I enter the courtroom myself I feel the distance between us. Two people who at one time couldn’t stand to be separated for a moment, now sit quietly at opposite ends of the room. Careful to not pay attention to the other. What a lonely feeling.
Most days I’m full of hope and sure of my actions. I’m at peace and don’t ever miss him. It’s only on cold rainy days when we share the same small space that I feel the doubt. My heart beats faster and I’m sure it will jump out of my chest.
Then I hear it. Our last name is called by the judge and we both rise to take our places up at the bland lifeless tables that sit next to one another. This is only a status conference, I tell myself. Just calm down, we are only here to fill in the missing pieces for this new judge taking on our divorce.
The judge gives my soon to be ex the floor to speak first; Of course when he does this my ex starts with the tears. A part of me felt bad and wanted to hug him, then the other part wanted to scream into the microphone (to be clear it went on the record) that he is a manipulative bastard, and this was another one of his tricks. Cry. Make them feel bad for you. He never felt anything when I cried in front of him, because of him. Now he expected everyone to feel pity for him? Such crap.
I played out the scenario in my head as I blocked out his tears. In my mind it went like this
Husband:boo hoo, whoa is me.
Me:(leans in close to microphone) Bullshit!
Judge:excuse me miss Begly?
Me:(clears throat) I call bullshit (and smiles)
Judge: Miss Begly I won’t tolerate you cursing in my courtroom.
Me: I understand. My apologies. Then I would like to call into question the integrity of his tears. They seem to be bullshit
Who did he think he was? Who was he actually? I’m not sure if I ever actually knew the man I married. He changed so often that it seems that any bit of good I thought I knew of him, was just a show, a act, until he did the next shitty thing. It was just a halftime show put on to keep my interest. We are nothing but two strangers, sitting quietly, and awkwardly across from each other in a court room.
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