“She probably deserved it, Shouldn’t have gone back.”

More often than not, she didn’t choose to stay, she choose to stay alive! It’s not always about what he did either, but what else he COULD do. Also, did you know on average it takes up to SEVEN attempts before finally being free from a abusive relationship? 

Statistics show that the most dangerous time in a domestically violent relationship is when the abused tries to leave. This is when most murders occur in those types of relationships. And aside from the violence escalating, most woman face a lot of other problems when trying to muster up the courage to leave. Where to live, how to support them selves or their children, and usually have a very small or even NO support system at all to help due to the isolation. 

Speaking from experience I can say that when I tried to be strong and break away from my abuser, this only angered him more. The thought of losing control did not sit well with him. He would not only beat me but steal my purse, all the money in it, all forms of identification and break my phone. He tried everything in his power to make it where I couldn’t make it without him. I couldn’t work without ID of some sort, couldn’t get my own place, and couldn’t file for assistance. And trying to do all this with ZERO cash in hand, damn near impossible without help. That’s where the support system comes in. 

My support system was small, but i thank God for them because they honestly paved the way for me. I was active in my church and had plenty of “friends”, but not many were close and I didn’t have a relationship with my family. He had caused so much drama and created such a wedge that we didn’t speak. When I went to church, he was always by my side, listening to every word I spoke. Heaven forbid anyone know the hell I was living. Those few friends I did have, he would harass and try to drive away. He wanted me to need him and only him. And I did, for many years. 

There was also the fear of losing my kids.  If I moved and they didn’t have their own space, would CPS take them? He called the cops and CPS on a daily basis when I first left. The false reports, threats to come get them while I worked, threats against my life, I was terrified, for me and for them. At least when I was with him, they weren’t involved really. Well they were, but not to this extreme. I wanted to keep them safe,and the struggle was trying to do that with no house, no job, no forms of identification and no support system. 

I’ve seen a few brave women speak up and use social media as a platform to help, encourage and raise awareness. To those women I say, you fucking rock. I’ve also seen the hateful comments like “she probably deserved it”, or “you chose to stay”, and even worse the memes that have been made from their pictures. Beat, bloody and bruised, yet people are there mocking, belittling and blaming her for what happened. And it was because of those comments I felt like writing this. So here’s to educating the ignorant, heartless and shameful, though I doubt they will read this, it took longer to write than it took their parents to “properly” raise them. 

For anyone trying to be strong, trying to get away or trying to just make it another day, I’m behind you, I believe in you, and you are NEVER truly alone. You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt, both physically or emotionally and don’t settle for anything less. Keep your eyes to the sky and shine brighter than the sun baby girl. You got this. 
-Shellbie Begly 

BEFORE YOU LEAVE HIM; check list

I often get messages from loved ones who are looking for advice on how to help out someone in a abusive relationship. Their tone of voice is usually a mix between desperation, and a exhausting sense of frustration.  They cant understand how these women stay. They are looking for me to give them the words to help nudge this person in the direction of safety. Let me say this though, leaving when its bad, is not always safe.
In a addition to physical abuse, there is most likely some form, or forms of psychological abuse going on as well, and its making it hard to break free from the abuser.

We all know living in this world comes at a cost. Breathing is not cheap. Food, housing, transportation, hygiene necessities, and the list goes on. Now add in the great blessing and responsibility of providing for children. One thing a abusive person does is isolate. This means your friends are limited, family also limited to none, and more times than not they don’t want or wont allow their significant other to work. So how can that person feel ANY sense of hope leaving the person she and her family relies on to clothe, feed and house them???

Kids being involved is honestly a huge motivator to stay. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, “How could you think that’s a good environment for them? Its only hurting them. You’re being selfish staying with this man just because you love him.” I see your point, i do. Look at your kids though. Could you imagine life without them? A lot of women in this sort of relationship fear not only being incapable to provide for their children, but also losing custody.  They have fears of the abuser running off with the kids and never returning. Threats of keeping the kids away until the woman “comes to her senses” and goes back to him. In extreme cases,they fear if they try to leave they may be killed, and possibly the kids too.

Part of being a adult means working. To get a job you need certain documents. You need a license or some sort of photo identification. You will also need your social security card, and in some cases a birth certificate as well. In fact, you will need all those documents in order to do much of anything in this life, including filing for divorce, a protective order, and custody. In my case, my ex had taken these documents from me to prevent me from being able to break free. I needed him, in one way or another. I was at a lose. How do i go on from here? I have no friends, no family, no money, and no way to make money or file legal papers because when i left, i was also stripped of my ID. My children’s forms of ID were also in his possession.

I had to go back, and when i did i went back with a plan. This is what i did and what i encourage any woman in a abusive relationship to do….

ONE– Find a good hiding spot and start hording the necessities you will need until the right moment comes along,and it is SAFE to leave. I used a old backpack and hid it in a cabinet with a bottom drawer that i knew we literally NEVER used, therefore he wouldn’t be getting in there to see my bag.

TWO- Be humble. You will need money, so any bit of change you see lying around, save it! It will begin to add up. I went as far as stashing away pennies. Once you make it out, there are plenty of resources to help you out so don’t let that be the thing holding you back.

THREE- Gather up all important paperwork and all forms of ID for you, and your children, if you have them. This should include, Social security cards, birth certificates, photo IDs, school records, your marriage certificate, passports (if you have them), and any other significant and import documents.

FOUR- Pack at least one outfit for each person that you will be taking with you. This isn’t the MOST important thing, but it certainly helps.

FIVE- Start being honest with people about your situation. Confide in someone trustworthy. Its important to build up the strength to walk away, and having a support system will most definitely help. Look into a shelter if no one is able or willing to help. Have these numbers WROTE DOWN, and hidden. Chances are if you have a phone, they will ask about the new numbers, or just delete them. Don’t be left without resources!

Once all those things are in order, wait for the moment to come. It wont be in the middle of a huge fight. There is already a power struggle going on, and if you choose that time to break the news, it will only escalate the situation. I advise not even mentioning your leaving. Slip out peacefully, quietly and unnoticed. If the abuser works, go while they are gone at work. If they are making a trip to the store, library, a family members house, go then. Most importantly, let someone know when its the right time and what your plans are. Safety is key and if someone can be there with you while you leave, i would strongly encourage that just in case the abuser comes back. This way you wont be alone.

Again, it usually isn’t as simple as just walking away. Its a process, and its more about opportunity than anything. So to the friends and family members who are grasping at straws trying to figure out how to help, keep faith. Know they still need you, even if you have been pushed away. Be a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear when needed. And to those thinking about finally regaining some stability, self identity and freedom, know that there are people who care and are willing to help you through this hard time. My thoughts are with you.

The man you promised to be

    

As much as I can’t stand to hear your name sometimes, I wish you were here to be celebrated today. It’s the first Father’s Day that my kids won’t see you for. They can’t call, they can’t visit and they can’t write a letter. It hurts. 

It should be a day for our little ones to be proud of you. Show you off to the world and give a uncountable amount of hugs and kisses. Instead, you sit a state away, in a jail cell that you basically requested by the actions you chose to take. I’m glad they are still young and don’t grasp the concept of Father’s Day really. They are content with just saying it to their grandpa. 

  
For me though, this day sucks. About as bad as a Kirby vacuum proclaims they do. Ha. I wish they had you. I wish you were the man you promised to be in the beginning. I wish I didn’t have to carry the weight of it all. This wasn’t the plan. I don’t want you, we are ancient history, but in the grand scheme of things, these kids need you. 

  
Not the you that you have become. Not the selfish and detached shell of a man that drugs have made you into. Not the angry bull, just waiting to take charge. The loving, kind, patient and understanding man that you proclaimed to be. One who loves unconditionally. Always putting their needs ahead of your own wants. 

  
I feel for our girls especially. What sort of standard for men do you think is being placed in their head when they see you do these things? Would you feel good seeing them repeat this chaotic cycle? How at peace would you feel the first time you learned of our little girls being beat on? Would the sight of those bruises kill you inside? Even as selfish as you are, I’m sure that’s not what you want for them. So man the EFF up! Be the example of a man who has integrity, who comes home every night. Obeys the law. The man who would go to the end of the earth to please their family. Not a man who would drive to the end of the street to get another fix. Not the man who was always to busy to stop and notice the changes they were going through. The extra inch in height. The extra words added to their vocabulary, because as time went on they became more complex in understanding. Enough to know that they don’t like what’s going on. Complex enough to state how sad you have made them feel. How little. How afraid. 

  
Here’s to hoping that someday our kids can enjoy this holiday with you. That the shame is shaken off and nothing but pride in their dad shines through. Until then, I’ll keep filling your shoes. And even when it’s a uphill climb and I’m feeling winded or about to give up, I won’t. Because that’s not what a parent does. 

Happy Father’s Day 

The prison of our mind. Feeling stuck

We all are given a harsh sentence for his poor decisions. He wasn’t he only one being thrown in a cell. My girls minds are stuck in that moment, trapped in their brain cells that remember these harsh memories. Replaying the events. Hearing the yelling. Seeing the violence. Feeling the fear and confusion. 

  
The week before this event, while driving from Ohio to Indiana for his visit with kids, my car blew up. Something I was very unprepared for. I stayed a week at my moms in Indiana where things became very bizarre. Random text messages that were so bipolar in nature. “I love you.” “I’m so close you don’t even realize it.” “RIP”. One moment he was begging me to come back, the next I was being threatened with him throwing me in jail for things I never did. He would bring the kids to visit me in jail though he said. 

He mentioned clothes I wore. Knew when I pulled out of the driveway. Then on a Tuesday, during one of his court ordered and supervised visits, I got a call. The voice on the phone sounded frantic and told me “Umm you need to get back here and get the kids. Long story short (exes name) is in jail and there was a huge incident. I will explain more when you get here”. 

  
My mind races as I speed back to the facility to pick the kids up. Did he just lose it? Fight with someone there? Did they finally just get tired of his constant violation of policy? No, it was an attempted kidnapping. 

The thing that upsets me is I knew this day was coming, and when I pulled into the facility that day I parked right next to his vehicle. Had I of just stopped and looked in his vehicle windows I would have seen the car seats. Alarms would have been set off and I could have warned everyone on duty that night. He never saw the children outside of this facility, so the use of car seats was not a necessity he had. 

I later learned he and his dad had walked with all four kids out a side door that would lead to the parking lot. A guard was told to check outside, as someone else had reported seeing my ex walking towards the side doors. The guard (a off duty police officer) stepped out and saw my husband putting kids into his vehicle. His father proudly recording the whole event and shouting that his son had rights!

  
A struggle occurred, and the officer and my husband were both on the pavement wrestling. “Get the kids and take them inside” the officer instructed a female facilitator; with my ex pinned to the ground. “Calm down and I will let you up”, he told my ex. He agrees to calm down, and the officer gets up and releases him. Like a bull charging at a matador, my ex was up and headed in the direction of the female getting the children out. Using force he yanked her out of the van, sending her flying back and hitting her head hard on the hot concrete. Again the officer and my ex fought. The kids sit  watching. Crying. Seeing the blood running from their dads head due to the amount of force that had to be used to detain him. They saw their daddy get arrested. 

The conversation in our van on the way home was heart breaking. I was asked if daddy was going to be in jail a long time, will they ever see him again, why was he fighting with that officer man, and the most heartbreaking remark of them all came from my two and a half year old. She said “I don’t want to go back there and play anymore. My daddy doesn’t know how to follow the rules and it makes me sad. I don’t want to play with him anymore”. 

  
I have in the few short weeks that he has been behind bars, thought about what he must be feeling. Sitting, rotting in jail. Waiting to serve out roughly 11 charges, all of which are felonies and most of them occurring that night during his visit. The prison he is in, is nothing compared to the prison I see these children’s mind being in. Cops and robbers is usually a fun game. Mimicking what has been   seen on movies and TV. A child certainly shouldn’t be able to relate to this. Yet mine do. 

They have moved more times then most do in a lifetime. Had less than nutritious meals at times due to poverty. Utilities being shut off by their drug feigning grandmother, because my ex had refused to give into her requests for pills. They have screamed in horror watching my body being used as a punching bag as I went to leave and call for help. I wish I could free them from their memories. The hell they have gone through should have been done for the most part when I left. I wanted to protect them from this.

  
 I feel the system failed these kids. They gave a man visitation when he was out on bail already for abusing their mother with them watching. Why was there not a mental health check done? Why didn’t we wait until that criminal trial had happened, and the courts had decided if he was guilty or not? Why were parenting classes not ordered to take place before these children were involved? It’s puzzling and heartbreaking. He is not the only one who received a conviction that day. These small children he helped to create, their minds, memories and fears were also throw in a cell. Put on a tape that plays over and over. I hear it when they play cops. It’s always mean and aggressive. There are no winners . 

The “divorced kid syndrome”. Why adults from divorced homes stay in bad marriages

I don’t know if it’s a syndrome or not, but it seems that the effects are real. If you are a child who grew up in a divorced home, chances are you fought 1,000 times harder to keep your marriage together. Now I’m not saying that we all don’t fight to keep our marriage together,but the more I talk with people who have gone through a divorce, it seems that the ones who were also in abusive relationships stayed longer than those who had not been raised in a divorced household. Now let’s get down to why that is. 

You came from a broken home, you’ve felt the distance between your parents when there were times you were just dying to have their support at the SAME time. Not a week apart , not a month apart, and not years later. You craved them both sharing the same space and helping you through a time of need. You swore you would never “do that” to your own children. Notice the quotation marks around “do that”? That’s because as children we often feel like victims of our circumstances. Its hard to rationalize that maybe things are better off this way. Either way, you make a promise to your small self that you will never “do this” to your own kids. You promise to only get married once and make it last. 
This is where the codependency and dysfunction start to creep in. 

  
Things in your marriage may go great for a while, but what happens to a adult “kid of divorce” when things begin to unravel? You aren’t going to walk away are you? This sort of thing has never happened before. It was only one time and it didn’t even leave a bruise. That is the logic that starts creeping in, right? You think “I shouldn’t have said that to make him/her angry”. 

You scoff at statistic showing the divorce rate being nearly 50% these days. Surly that won’t be you. You aren’t a quitter. It’s that mentality that lays some of the ground work for abusive marriages. Being from a divorced family does not always mean this will be the outcome, but pair it with other hurts, beliefs and manipulation and it’s a recipe for disaster. 

I’m a Christian. My being a believer in Christ played a role into my lingering in the chaos. Not only did my heart tell me to never divorce, but my religion did too. My faith began being used as a tool to control me and trap me. If I mentioned divorce I was always reminded of the vows I took. I was reminded of the things I told him prior to being married. He and I were both from broken homes, and we swore to each other we would never divorce. We didn’t want to repeat that tragic cycle. As years went on though I realized the tragic cycle was the one of abuse. Having no money, no means to support myself if I ever tried. No phone, car or way to contact people all while pregnant. This happened in nearly every pregnancy too. I was so afraid I’d have a complication and lose the baby and have no way to call for help. The physical abuse as well. The cycle just went on and on. We would have a honeymoon phase that was very short lived, then we were in the pits of hell.

  
I confused his passion for love. I had never had someone “love” me so intensely. Text me constantly in the beginning. Said he loved me first,and asked me to move in with him after two weeks of dating. It was a hot, fiery passion. And as intensely as it began, it also ended that way too. Cops, yelling, drugs, and physical aggression. 

“A syndrome is a set of medical signsand symptoms that are correlated with each other and, often, with a specific disease. “

I call this the “divorced kid syndrome” because as it clearly states you don’t just get a syndrome from ONE issue. A syndrome involves many problems that are related. This goes back to my earlier statement that not everyone from a divorced home will end up with this mind set. However, a COMBINATION of problems such as abuse (any form), low self esteem, drug use, and beliefs that go against divorce accompanied with a background of divorce can all create this “divorced kid syndrome”. 

So how do we get our minds past that stigma of being another statistic? Well there are far worse statistics we could be. Like those who die yearly in domestic abuse relationships. Also statistics show that out of those relationships that involve domestic violence, 97% of those also include financial abuse. The number one reason domestic violence survivors stay or return to the abusive relationship is because the abuser controls their money supply, leaving them with no financial resources to break free. Because of this financial abuse it’s also the third leading cause of homelessness in amaerica. I think I’d rather be a divorce statistic over those others. 

7 things to know about a woman who has been in a bad relationship

Yes, I know you said you are different from him, but what I know and what I’ve experienced from my past are different. 

Yes, I like the way your arms feel around me but I cant help but imagine them around someone else. I’m more damaged with you than I was with him, so it only seems fitting that a glance of her out of the corner of your eye will lead to more. 

No, my hair didn’t quite do what I wanted today. Your eyes must not be working. I’m a hot mess. 

How do we change our perception of people? After a abusive relationship we have this mindset of being unworthy. Just waiting for the shoe to drop. This makes it very hard on our next partner. They spend so much time trying to pick up the shattered pieces our ex left, that they can’t even make a new picture. It’s impossible to make new memories when we are so hurt and focused on the old ones, that they didn’t even cause! Some things that you should know about us who come from bad relationships are ….

 
1.I will push you away right when things seem to be going good. Two reasons for this. One reason being I’m not used to “normal” and as it’s odd to admit, it gets a little boring. I’m used to chaos, and I know how to function in it, but I would like boring. Second reason being I am afraid that you will unexpectedly drop a bomb shell and want to leave, and I’d rather be the one to initiate it so I don’t get hurt as bad. 

  
2.Every man has the capacity to cheat, and it’s only a matter of time before you get bored of me and do it too. 

  
3.I know you are comparing, and I dread public places for this reason. I’m not as pretty or thin as I used to be. I know you see other women and think “I could be with THAT instead of THIS”. 

  4.I know what I want, but won’t know what to do when I get it. I won’t tolerate another liar, cheater, or beater but my ability to separate you from my ex is nearly impossible. This goes back to point number one also. 

   
5.Pay the bills! Part of the control tactics my ex used were finances. I never saw or had money of my own. I get on edge when I see you spending money on the unnecessary things, because I’m afraid money isn’t going towards  the bills and we will soon have to move again or borrow more money. 

  
6.Dont tell me to calm down. This doesn’t have to even be relevant to a bad history with men. I’m a woman and when you say calm down, all I hear is “you sound crazy”. It invalidates how I’m feeling, which obviously isn’t at ease, and these words will only make it worse. 

 
7.I appreciate the little things. Do I need to elaborate here? Saying I love you, you’re beautiful and texting while you are away are far better gifts than anything money can buy. 

I know I’m not the easiest person to love, but I’m dying for someone to come along and love me with a patient, kind heart, proving all these fears of mine wrong.  Most importantly though, I want to be able to love YOU back, without fear, and without hesitation. 

What makes an abuser? To others, or to self?

There are different forms of abuse; physical and psychological abuse of others; physical and psychological abuse of self, and these abuse forms can manifest in different ways too. Why do people abuse others and themselves?

To understand this we must first look at the psychology of the abuser.

This is no easy task, and experts have spent decades studying the nuances of the human psyche to figure out what makes a person abusive and why people abuse. Are there core personality traits which predispose people toward abuse, or is abuse a learned behavior?

What is abuse?

Abuse is defined as the improper use of something or someone, but the definition does little to convey what abuse really is when it comes to interactions between people.

Abuse can be broken down into different categories, according to Kids Health, and these categories are:

• Physical abuse: Any abuse which causes physical injury; bruises, cuts, broken bones; biting; choking; throwing; etc. Physical abuse is the most easily recognizable form of abuse.

• Sexual abuse: Initiating unwanted sexual contact with another person, or overpowering another person for sexual purposes. Sexual contact between and adult and anyone under the age of 18 is considered sexual abuse by the definition of the law.

• Emotional abuse: One of the most difficult forms of abuse to identify, emotional abuse can cause just as much pain as physical abuse and has much longer lasting effects.

• Neglect: The most over-looked form of abuse, neglect occurs when basic life necessities are not met such as those related to housing, clothing, food, hygiene, or emotional support.

• Self-abuse: As the name implies, self-abuse is when an individual inflicts pain or suffering to their own person. This is usually the result of an underlying condition, and is not usually included when people talk about someone who is “abusive.”

When people think about abuse, they often think about family situations; spousal abuse and child abuse. Abuse is not limited to families, however, and people who work together, develop friendships or spend significant time together can also be participants in an abusive relationship.

Abuse statistics are eye-opening:

Every 2 minutes, according to RAINN, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted.

44 percent of victims are under the age of 18 in sexual assaults; 80 percent are under the age of 30.

1 in 4 women has experienced domestic violence.

Women account for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15%.

Low-income individuals are at a higher risk for domestic violence.

Approximately 2 million people call crisis hotlines annually regarding violence.

Everyday, approximately 3 women and 1 man are murdered by romantic partners in the United States.

Approximately 50 percent of men who assault their partners also assault their children.

As many as 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.

Men and women engage in comparable levels of abuse and control, though women are more likely to use emotional manipulation whereas men use sexual coercion and physical dominance.

How and why do people abuse?

Why do people abuse? Nature versus nurture

So what is behind the psychology of an abuser? Why do people abuse? Are people who abuse others born with this tendency or is it something they are conditioned to through their own experiences of abuse?

“While it is important to realize that not all abusers were abused as children, and that many if not most people who are abused do not go on to become abusers themselves, child abuse is most likely the single largest risk factor –biological, psychological, or sociocultural – for later adult abusive behavior,” David M. Allen, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus, University of Tennessee Health Science Center.

Dr. Allen explains significant family dysfunction of one sort or another is almost always present in the backgrounds of repetitive abusers. These dysfunctional patterns often do not stop when abused children grow up, but continue in modified form as long as the involved parents are still living.

Women can also become abusers.

While abuse tends to be cyclical in nature, people who become abusers do exhibit similar characteristics, those these personality traits vary depending on the form of abuse seen.

For example, in cases of domestic violence, a common type of couple seen by therapists is a male with “narcissistic personality disorder” traits and a female with so called “borderline personality disorder” traits.

Dr. Allen states this is a particularly volatile type of couple because strong emotions are easily aroused, and each member of the couple feeds into the other’s insecurities. Those with “narcissistic” traits often feel duty bound to be in charge and take care of others while simultaneously being starved for admiration. Those with “borderline” traits can be help-rejecting complainers who usually seem both miserable and unappreciative. While the male is typically the one who becomes violent, this is not always the case.

“Like many bullies, an abuser uses physical threats or actions when feeling impotent, frustrated,” says Herold J. Kreisman, M.D., co-author of I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality, and,Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living With Borderline Personality Disorder. “Borderline personality traits may be characterized by explosive impulsivity and extreme mood changes that whipsaw from loving feelings to hateful feelings when frustrated or angry. Drugs and alcohol unfasten controls, which may lead to abuse.”

It is important to note, however, that not everyone who has narcissistic personality traits or borderline personality disorder becomes abusive, just as not all children who are abused go on to become abusive as adults. The nuances of how and why someone becomes abusive is all a part of the psychology of an abuser.

In conclusion, the experts indicate to Saludify the human species as a whole certainly has some genetic propensity towards violence, and all behavior has a genetic component, but most repetitive interpersonal patterns seen in individuals – such as repetitive abuse – are learned and/or thought out.

Individuals who grow up in dysfunctional families often begin to act out specific roles that include a type of abuse. These roles are then validated and encouraged by the parents, albeit somewhat subconsciously.

Why do people abuse themselves?

 

Because self-abuse is still a form of abuse, it is important to create a distinction between it and the other forms of abuse mentioned. People who self-abuse do so in many ways, often through chemical abuse and self-mutilation, but also through other means like those associated with eating disorders.

People who self-abuse do so for very different reasons compared to people who abuse others, and self-abuse is seen more as a severe form of communication rather than a behavioral trait.

“Unlike people who abuse other people, self-abusers may not have been abused themselves – as children or adults. This is important for families to understand lest they blame themselves or search for an abuser,” explains to Saludify Lloyd I. Sederer, MD, Medical Director at the NYS Office of Mental Health and Adjunct Professor, Columbia/Mailman School of Public Health.

He adds, self-abuse does not reveal any specific character profile. Experts know from self-reports of people who abuse themselves that they suffer great psychic pain and/or dissociation from which the abuse can provide transient relief, and that they often loathe themselves for reasons they may not understand. Some, of course, were sexually and physically abused and sustain their victimization with self-abuse. Friends and family should also see the abusive behavior as a communication, an indirect but very strong call for help.

“I know of no evidence that self-abuse is innate,” says Sederer. “The brain circuitry by which pain is mediated and can be rerouted from psychic to somatic is innate, as is the release of endorphins (neurochemicals that relieve pain and produce well-being). The behavior is learned – but in complex ways that space does not permit us to discuss.”

Original article; http://stopabusecampaign.com/why-do-people-abuse-psychology-of-the-abuser/

Silence is golden, silence is deadly

A argument takes two people. Ever tried arguing with a stove after you burnt your hand on it? Various cuss words come out, you might kick it and yell. Now did you get anywhere? Did the oven apologize to you? I didn’t think so. This is because for a argument to take place, there has to be two willing participants.

If you struggle with codependency it’s hard to maintain that silence. You play the what if game. What if he actually is sorry and I’m just being a bitch? What if he NEEDS me to help him through this addiction. What if he’s actually going to change this time? What about this, what if YOU DESERVE better than playing second fiddle to those habits, behaviors and other people???

After a breakup, we rationalize our contacting them by saying “I need closure”. They hurt us so bad that we just need to hear sorry so it can all go away. Wrong. All we are doing is further enabling there poor choices by subjecting ourselves to their chaos. If someone shot you point blank with a pistol, would it make sense to trust them to also clean and stitch the wound? That’s what we are doing though. We are expecting these people who have destroyed our lives, sometimes intentionally, to be patient, kind, and carful enough to fix it.  There also comes a time where we are just angry. We want the full fury of GOD to just come down and teach them a lesson they soon won’t forget . You think that you will feel so much better after just laying into them. Tell them how you really feel and how better off you are now. Want to know something? That’s still good ole codependency rushing to the  surface.

Its been said before “don’t be worried when I fight with you, be worried when I don’t”. When you no longer fight, it shows you don’t care anymore. I started out by saying you can only fight when there are two willing participants. This person would love nothing more than you to give them a piece of your mind. It tells them you’ve been thinking about them, and they still have power over you in order for you to be hurt. If you really want to tell them how you feel, SAY NOTHING . We all hate to be ignored, and this person is no different. Again, it shows you’ve detached yourself from them and no longer allow them to control how you feel. You’ve moved on and don’t need that fake apology. Silence is golden, and silence is deadly.

Two strangers in a courtroom

Sitting in the waitin area in the court house. Pretending to be busy on my phone to ease the anxiety. I need a distraction from him. Don’t look. Don’t look. They walk in and take a seat in the court room as I wait in the hallway for my support, aka my attorney. I’m currently feeling outnumbered. His enabling parents are both here to hold his hand. Don’t they know what he’s done? How can you look at me with those deadly glares knowing all you know about his actions during this marriage? 

 

As I enter the courtroom myself I feel the distance between us. Two people who at one time couldn’t stand to be separated for a moment, now sit quietly at opposite ends of the room. Careful to not pay attention to the other. What a lonely feeling.

Most days I’m full of hope and sure of my actions. I’m at peace and don’t ever miss him. It’s only on cold rainy days when we share the same small space that I feel the doubt. My heart beats faster and I’m sure it will jump out of my chest.

Then I hear it. Our last name is called by the judge and we both rise to take our places up at the bland lifeless tables that sit next to one another. This is only a status conference, I tell myself. Just calm down, we are only here to fill in the missing pieces for this new judge taking on our divorce.

The judge gives my soon to be ex the floor to speak first; Of course when he does this my ex starts with the tears. A part of me felt bad and wanted to hug him, then the other part wanted to scream into the microphone (to be clear it went on the record) that he is a manipulative bastard, and this was another one of his tricks. Cry. Make them feel bad for you. He never felt anything when I cried in front of him, because of him. Now he expected everyone to feel pity for him? Such crap.

 

I played out the scenario in my head as I blocked out his tears. In my mind it went like this

Husband:boo hoo, whoa is me.

Me:(leans in close to microphone) Bullshit!

Judge:excuse me miss Begly?

Me:(clears throat) I call bullshit (and smiles)

Judge: Miss Begly I won’t tolerate you cursing in my courtroom.

Me: I understand. My apologies. Then I would like to call into question the integrity of his tears. They seem to be bullshit

Who did he think he was? Who was he actually? I’m not sure if I ever actually knew the man I married. He changed so often that it seems that any bit of good I thought I knew of him, was just a show, a act, until he did the next shitty thing. It was just a halftime show put on to keep my interest. We are nothing but two strangers, sitting quietly, and awkwardly across from each other in a court room.

Perfect response to “Why dont you ever dress up anymore”

Things are hot and heavy and the romance is booming. Suddenly it hits you, the headaches, nausea and hot flashes. We take that long stroll through the isles in the store trying to find the most accurate(and affordable) pregnancy test. Some of you may not have even made it out of the store without rushing to the bathroom to pee on that stick.

Its positive!

The planning begins! I need a crib, swing, tons of clothes, binkies, maybe a wet wipe warmer? OMG, how will I know for sure its go time? All this googling is making me so nervous! It all says different things. Then at some point you and your significant other have these disgustingly cute moments of admiration for each other. We created a life together, how cool!

Reality back hands you soon after leaving that labor and delivery wing, sporting a baby on your arm now instead of a cute purse. Everyone tells you to sleep when the baby does, but how can you? The little one is just so cute for one, so its hard not to stare, and secondly you’ve suddenly developed bionic super duper hearing. What was that noise?!?! Is the baby ok?

Those words come out, and its all you can do to not pounce on him. “Why don’t you ever dress up for me anymore?” Oh hell no, he did not just go there! Calm down self, check the calendar, maybe its April fools, no way he can be serious.

Now men, this is where you fail to realize that the puke stained pajamas we are currently rocking, along with the hair tie and “natural look”, IS for YOU! Because we chose to bless you with being a dad, a uniform comes with it. No woman wakes up, looks down at the baggy tee-shirt soaked in breast milk and says “damn, I still got it.” If this child that we shared in common would just sit there quietly all day, looking cute and requiring nothing from me, then I would have put more effort into my attire for the day.

I tried looking nice for you the other day. Want to know how long that lasted? About five minutes. I was feeling all fresh and cute until I smelt something. Our new bundle of joy had apparently exploded in their diaper. As a first time mom I found out real quickly that if you don’t allow the baby to sit in that diaper for a moment after getting that first whiff of rotten eggs, im going to regret it. I wiped that cute little bottom, and before I could set the legs back down, SPLAT, crap missile shot out at me. Apparently wiping their bottom makes then have to go more, nice.

No biggie though, wash my hand and change my shirt. Good as new. Until the feeding. Our little sunshine is grumpy as all can be. Feeding this child has caused some terrible gas pains in their tummy. I, being the loving mom I am, put the baby on my shoulder and pat ever so lovingly on the back. I hear a huge burp, and suddenly feel my back getting warm. Yep, there was some spit up that came out with that burp. Shirt two down!

The truth is, we dress this way FOR YOU! By doing this we are saying, I value the life we have created together and I want to make you proud of me. I’ve spent all my time and energy on loving this child you’ve trusted me with, and putting myself last. Not even second, because when you get home my job still isn’t done. I know you’re going to ask what’s for dinner. Sure, I could put some makeup on, but its not going to fully hide the bags under my eyes that are a direct result from letting YOU sleep while I feed, change, and cuddle our new child round the clock. If anything, this new display of selflessness should be far sexier than me spending hours in the bathroom doing nothing good for the world. Im sorry im busy molding what our future will be like, and somehow that’s less important to you than my hair and makeup. Do you realize we could have a future congress man or senator, or better yet, the future PRESIDENT in our house? Yeah, think of that next time.

Embrace this temporary, bohemian, I don’t give a F look, and be proud we love you enough to compromise our own self esteem for this child you helped create.